Thomas V

command prompt[c/]:… [date: 6/30/2010]

c/start up: [booting up…][progress 100%][verifying databases..][checking memory…][running OS thogervo-v1.18…][starting…][warning! security breach detected. please update all security systems. sensitive information has been stored and hidden…][rebooting…][running OS thogervo-v1.18…safe mode][ready…]

c/inquire status of ventures: [bringing up databases…] please specify venture.

c/venture #{removed}: [checking…] status: error. no information is available on this venture, please create file or redirect pathways to memory source. c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/venture #{removed}: [checking…]status: incomplete. further action is required to complete. c/progress venture#{removed}: [checking…] {removed}% [warning! the rest of this memory banks data has been removed or hidden, please locate memory source or enter password to unlock…] c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/venture #{removed}: [checking…]status: incomplete. further action is required to complete. c/progress venture#{removed}: [checking…] {removed}% [warning! the rest of this memory banks data has been removed or hidden, please locate memory source or enter password to unlock…] c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/venture #{removed}: [checking…]status: incomplete. further action is required to complete. c/progress venture#{removed}:[checking…] {removed}% [warning! the rest of this memory banks data has been removed or hidden, please locate memory source or enter password to unlock…] c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/install latest security software: [connecting to server…][searching…]3(three) devices found… install all y/n? c/yes: [downloading…][100%][installing…][100%]

c/run test: [starting…][running…][100%][checking data…][analyzing…] scans complete. new system: tvs v-621311 running smoothly. system update for old {removed} updated. new system: tvs V-3.21 running smoothly. system update for firewall tvs v-18.1 uninstalled. new system: tvs v-18.4. c/probability of discovery: [checking memory…][analyzing…] initially, 20%. warning! security systems will out date and become ineffective unless constantly updated. c/finish test: [saving…][closing..]

c/run final security test: [starting…][running…][displaying sensitive information…] venture #{removed} = 28. venture #{removed} = 29 venture #{removed} = 12. [ventures #’s have been reassigned to new numbers and/or letters.] c/close: [saving…][closing…]

c/open notepad: [opening…] good luck with this now. i’ll give you a hint: [love]. c/close: [saving…][closing…]

warning! intense situation detected, taking precautionary measures [wiping emotions…][removing shame…][removing regret…][100%][reinstating confidence…][installing ingenuity…][installing {updated} instinct…][error: i112, information slip: you knew this was going to happen. you let your guard down. this entire inquiry was supposed to be a removal process, in order to find the most qualified venture. the real question is, how long has [{removed}] known?.][releasing endorphins and seritonin…][100%]

c/shut down: [saving…][100%][backing up memory…][checking for updates…][installing necessary updates…][warning! exiting safe mode!] [100%][closing pathways…][shutting down…]

lucky - adjective - having or bringing good fortune; “my lucky day”; “a lucky man”

i am lucky. lucky to have such great friends. lucky to have so little known enemies. lucky to believe. lucky to have faith. lucky to be trusted. lucky for ventures. lucky for family. lucky for opportunity and lucky for experiences. also lucky for misfortunes to learn from. lucky for insults and pokes to become better from. lucky for hate, pain, suffering, and treachery, to gain love, happiness, and courage from. lucky for hypocrisy, to learn that following through on yourself is not just words, but something that must be done. i am lucky.

this weekend was one of the most memorable of my summer. although at first, fun was clouded by worry and stress, things became exponentially more enjoyable as darkness came. [i turn on the water…] i love that group. [it’s hot, it stings unnaturally, probably because of the sunburn, i adjust my temp…] those are the people that i enjoy myself most in. but also where i let my guard down. [i step in, hand ready to spring into action and twist a knob or steady myself] many events took me by surprise, and i was often reduced to a puddle of basic instincts and previous makes and models of myself. [dirt, grime, interactions, and reactions were taken from my skin. beads of water collected the story my body had to tell, and slowly removed them and their used skin cells to the floor and into a drain where i would never see or hear from them again. my skin is dark.] it’s amazing how simple something can be when seen only through the eye of interaction.[freckles watch and intensify as the fresh aroma of soap scrapes and dissolves away my only physical evidence of my past.] [18152425] made me feel giddy. [it feels good.] weird. [i start to feel new, clean again.] [18152425] slashed through my defenses, my concrete walls, my barbwire, and let loose everything i had tried to contain. [ouch! hot water burns my shoulders, soap stings my cuts and bruises.] i was awkward. [fumbled reactions try and stop the pain.] weird. [i am regaining control. next i reach for an oversized shampoo bottle]. i couldn’t believe what came from my mouth. [a lather of clean washes away at all that hides my head, the place where i keep my real thoughts.] but at the same time, i felt confident, i felt instinctive, never too much thought put into any one argument, idea, or response. [i have done this before, maybe a hundred, no a thousand times!] things flowed. [my hair is clean, ruffed, yet softened] and then they stopped. heavy eyelids almost overtook a running mind. [the warm water washes over my head, i feel every water droplet run down me, as they explore and discover a new and hidden land. if only they knew their lives were soon to end in a black, grated hole.] and then i felt i was in a dream, so many times i wanted to pinch myself to see if i would wake up. [i start to wash my face. perfumes and tingles overcome me.] honestly, i wouldn’t know that i would want to. [it feels great, to be clean at least. to be back into the groove of things.]  dreams are meant to be lived out. [taking a shower at 6:20? thats a groove?] they are goals and aspirations. [no, i am starting a new chapter in my life, or so says the shower curtain chronicles…] in my [dream], i was me. [i’m glad that chemicals and elbow grease can’t wash away my memories] i was a base, headquarters, filing papers and sending out interactions.[ that is what makes me, how i base future events, and how i understand past ones.] taking updates and modifying the situation. [i smile, almost laugh, thinking back on this weekend. god i had fun, i lived, i enjoyed! water drips off of me still, making sure to take away every last trace.] [18152425] was [18152425]. unpredictable. [they are jealous, those little droplets, of the experience i undertook. they know i have secrets, and maybe, slowly, they can eat away at me and expose them.] no amount of text could describe the brilliance of [18152425].[but they won’t get through, my concrete walls are too strong, my barbwire too sharp.] the fluidness, and intensity of [18152425]. [my memories make me, me. the water stops, and a greedy, glutinous towel sops up the surviving drops, clear now, no longer muddy.] talk about surprise. [there is a familiar face in the mirror, a little darker then remembered, also a little unshaved.] it hooked me like a drug though. [conversations of last night, dealing with perception, skim my memory, flaunting there highlights, but i wish them away.] i will need my fix. [blue eyes, blonde hair, freckles. average. except in one special way.] already possibility swarm my mind. then my mind hits the brakes. did i not learn anything up at my resort, my worry free utopia? [my memories] i need to be like the water. [they scurry around inside, reconnecting old neurons, discovering new ones, much like a river.] i flow. i can shape little details in the river [slowly the thought process make their way to a larger idea, much like a river to the ocean], but i cannot change it’s course without too great an impact.[a bright message fills my mind.] i need to flow. [i need to flow]

I just realized i went this entire day with my underwear inside out. 

posts have been far and few between lately. things have been getting busy. tomorrow has many surprises held for me and my companions, hopefully most of them will be pleasant. i look forward towards the night however, as we all know thats when the fun starts! 

i really need to keep in mind how much i control my life. how much i am in the drivers seat. i gotta let myself relax, take it all in, and then shake it and squeeze it until i’ve had my fill. 

[i have bad intentions. nightmares and wishful dreams fill my head. i know they won’t come true. i know that i’m just day dreaming. but i am [not] in control.]

time to let you see myself…

this is me. that is [him]. there is a difference. [blank] does not exist unless you do. [blank] does not feel, breath, and perform unless you readily gobble up anything [blank] has to offer. [blank] is shy. [blank] only exists in the early mornings or late late nights. [blank] loves ingenuity. [blank] is my unconscious, inhibition free, a libertine. [blank] is [me].

command prompt[c/]:… [date: 6/26/2010]

c/start up: [booting up…][progress 100%][verifying databases..][checking memory…][running OS thogervo-v1.18…][starting…][warning! unstable files found, please relocate sources…][ready…]

c/run diagnostics: [checking databases…][running…][searching files…][error: file pathways incomplete for entire memory bank 12219191…][searching for missing files…][incomplete…][searching entire system…][incomplete…][files missing or relocated…][input value#12219191 not found…][checking earlier versions and system restore…][100%][relocate files y/n? c/no. warning! files will be erased forever if not relocated, relocate y/n? c/yes, relocate to file pathway{system-friends-foreign-luisa{create new file}: [relocating…][100%] warning: file is saved as a remember-only [warning! sadness detected…][taking precautionary measures…][increasing defenses…][releasing endorphins…][100%][error, leak in memory set: {god dammit im going to miss her, luisa, i didn’t realize how much you meant to me. i love you, and i hope i will be able to contact or see you again soon.} delete y/n? c/no, store in previously created folder.[saving…][100%] c/close file:[relocating…] [saving…] [closing…]

c/shut down: [saving…][100%][backing up memory…][checking for updates…][installing necessary updates…][warning! habits detected, system cannot run properly unless energy levels are stabilized, consistently! recommended action: connect to a sleep device immediately] [100%][closing pathways…][shutting down…]

update: found a great name for my project: libertine. 

why do i act like that? here i am, supposed a respectable young man, and at this get together i act as though im drunk, inhibitions released, and im enjoying the hell out of myself, even if i look like a douche bag. well, what the hell. i actually had fun. i relaxed, i enjoyed, i interacted. i had fun. the irony of this situation is almost too hard to handle however. it’s a going away party. a get together, commemorating the memories made with this character. it’s almost like a funeral. the image of her here is dying, and we are enjoying our memories of her. it’s almost sick. but i had [fun]. 

i am finding more and more about myself these days. yet again i’ve looked in the mirror and i havn’t recognized myself, maybe its the face hair. maybe the hair style. the clothes? nope. i just can’t place a finger on it. maybe its my relationships, maybe thats what is changing. maybe my friends, being a part of me, are changing, and now i am changing in duo with them. maybe its college. i have to be someone now. [i have life. i am human.] 

and [18152425] was there.[c/connect you idiot, dont be such a douche!] i forgot how awkward i am. how little reaction is really there. [1925414525] was fun, but seemed distant. [you know it isnt going to work out, why the hell do you even try?] why the hell am i telling you this? its funny how much i spill here, some of these things i wouldnt even tell my closest friend, yet on here i some how manage the courage to unearth it all. well, don’t abuse it. this is a privilege you won’t often find from me. one of my biggest pet peeves is when people go through my stuff with me unknowing. you have one of the most highest honors i can give. 

my trust. i am giving you permission to look deep into who i am, you may take what you want, i just ask one thing in return. leave a little bit of yourself. you are a mystery. one i want to uncover. one i want to know. hell, i bet i love you. [notice: i DO NOT use those words very openly. i’ll explain why later…] on second thought i don’t. i want you however. i want you to know me, to explore me. to find out who i really am, because i seem to have trouble doing so. my friends make me, they are my mirrors into my self. every part of you hopefully will become a part of me. i am a compilation of interactions and reactions, a mix of emotions and feelings, a system, updated, broken, fixed, and accessed. 

[you have the password, so what are you waiting for? uncover me. find my games, my secrets, my truth’s. see through my li[v]es, my multiples, and my anger. i am here for you, to serve and become. a simple illusionist, here to solve problems.] 

[without you, i am nothing. with you, i can truly fill the [blank].

“Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.” - [blank]

actually, thats not true at all. i hide nothing from you, yet i give you only what i want you to see. the whole idea of truth is flawed. am i true? do i know truth? the most sure and definite answer is no. so who am i to try and disguise it from you, contort and twist it? that is deadly. i can recognize truth however. i can recognize what is right, and what is wrong [in my [c/system…]. so instead i will not experiment with it, i will not torture truth until it gives me what i want. i will lie. i will deceive. the good thing about lies is that they are already evil, twisted, shaped oddly. i can mold them to look however [i] want. they can look like truth. they can look convincing, and helpful, and genuine. that is what separates me from [you]. i can lie. i can shape shift. i can deceive you. hopefully, through all this acting, i will learn something. hopefully, i will become what i have pretended to be. and hopefully, i will no longer have to contort and shift, to break and torture. hopefully, i will become what i’ve always lied about. hopefully, i will become [me].

i am human. that is one thing i constantly forget. before you judge it i must tell you, do not take it ignorantly or poshly. do not heed from it anything but its literally meaning. for quite honestly, i forget sometimes that i’m [not] human. i make mistakes. i try, and i fail. i hurt, and ache, and cry and writhe. i hate, i love, and i agree. i connect, and i share, i labor and sweat, i relax and enjoy. i am human. 

[but your not, your not, your not. your so much more, or less. i will be nothing less than great. i will be nothing more than dirt. i consist of the elements of dreams, be them heavenly or unholy. i have no destiny. i have no fate. i have bars to meet. i have requirements to fill.]

[i have life.]

command prompt[c/]:… [date: 6/24/2010]

c/start up: [booting up…][progress 100%][verifying databases..][checking memory…][running OS thogervo-v1.18…][starting…][warning! energy reserves are extremely low, please connect to a sleep device to remedy the problem…][ready…]

c/inquire status of ventures: [bringing up databases…] please specify venture.

c/venture #1: [checking…][error i324 resolved…] status: incomplete. further action is required to complete. c/progress venture #1: [checking…] 50% warning! sensitive files detected, relocate to more stable, protected location y/n? c/no: [saving files…][keeping at current location…] warning! sensitive files do not have adequate protection. could be jeopardized by external systems. probability of discovery: 67%. c/reanalyze situation: [checking data…][analyzing…] sensitive files extremely prone to {1925414525}, possiblity of discovery: 70%. relocate y/n? c/no: [terminating instinctive protection protocols..][saving…] [100%] c/probability of completion: [checking data…][analyzing…] 30% c/future command: please enter future command: c/terminate if not actively reviewed at least every 72 hours: [saving command…][calculating…][saved…] warning! pessimism about venture detected! could affect current situation and/or future interactions [taking preemptive measures…][boosting confidence…][50%][failure… not enough will power to complete…][backing up files in case of crash…][100%] c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/venture #2: [checking…] complete. continue y/n? c/yes: [reconfiguring databases…][saving changes…][new information available…] c/venture #2, updated: [checking…] incomplete. further action is required to complete.c/progress venture #2, updated: [checking…] 80%. c/possibility of completion: [checking data…][analyzing…] 95%. caution! beware of overconfidence. [taking preemptive measures…][reducing pride…][increasing values…][100%][increasing security…][upgrading and moving to {Confidential} files…][100%][sealing leaks…][keeping quiet…][80%][error: i465 leak in information…][securing file…][unsuccessful… file is not located on this memory bank…][searching system…][unsuccessful… file is not located on this system. possibility of existence on other external systems.][increasing external security measures…][100%] c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/venture #3: [checking…]status: incomplete. further action is required to complete. c/progress venture #3: [checking…] 45% new information available. [configuring…] take advantage of the situation in order to complete. give a little to get a little… c/possibility of completion: [checking data…][analyzing…] [rechecking data…][analyzing…] 60%. c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/venture #4: [checking…] status: error. no information is available on this venture. please create a file or redirect pathways to memory source. c/close file: [saving…][closing…]

c/shut down: [saving…][100%][backing up memory…][checking for updates…][installing necessary updates…][warning! habits detected, system cannot run properly unless energy levels are stabilized, consistently!] [100%][closing pathways…][shutting down…]

a blue noxious liquid escapes an unnaturally red container and finds its way through a complex set of tubes and valves. it does not know its true potential, it ability to empower. a quick yank on a piece of cord from the beast starts it shuddering, producing a roar that would scare even the mightest bumblebee. still, shinning, blades now travel faster then the eye can see, and harvest whatever comes into their path, leaving a trail of destruction. a creaky motor pushes this beast onward, making sure that not a single [blank] survives its height requirements. slowly, row by row, a natural paradise is cut down into uniform, controlled patch. silent screams from bee’s and grasshoppers and frogs cloud the air, already sickened from the black soot the creature belches. no one can reverse the damage done here. only time will heal these wounds. 

[i cut the lawn today.]

i have forgotten how damn good breakfasts foods are. i just enjoyed a bowl of frosted mini wheats, and that was one of my best choices in a long time. the only thing better then that is captain crunch peanut butter crunch. end of story. 

p.s. i love toast too. i literally eat that at least 4 times a week, because it rocks my fucking socks. 

p.p.s. what i would do for a good blueberry and whip cream crepe right now…

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?  ?depart gnitteg i ma ro ,ereh eerf tes eb ot gniyrt yllaer i ma .23 8 nhoj .yawa tog taht eno eht eb ton lliw siht ,llew .meht rewsna ,od ot tes ma i lla staht .srewsna lautneve dna ,smelborp fo suoires a .si efil lla staht .eb lliw reven ti .thgir reven si gnimit eht .gnol os rof reh etad ot detnaw ev’i ,dog .lliw reven ehs .wonk tnseod ehs .reh wohs ot detnaw i nehw semit ynam os erew ereht .reh llet ot detnaw i sgniht ynam os erew ereht

 .nuf evah .eman eht otni dennip si txet .sniamod dna seriw fo krowten tsav a no detacol si ti .nwod si ,edispu eht erehw ecalp a ot og tsum uoy .eulc a si ereh .semag ym fo eno rehtona si siht

there have been two times these past weeks where i have looked in the mirror and not recognized myself. where i have seen a person who was a little shorter, maybe a little lighter then i expected. am i changing, or are [blank]?

emotions.

oh how i hate you. 

you push me against edges i’ve never seen before. you fly my heart away, only to return is damaged, bruised, and confused. you torment my soul, my being. you hold me tight, unlock the rest of my power, unlock my will, unlock my creativity, and unlock me. i could be nowhere without you, yet i would not be in this without you. i can’t tell if your my gift or my curse. one lousy gift i saw, everybody has it. one lousy curse, i say, everyones already felt it and knows its path. that puts mee, hmm, lets see here, smack dab in the middle of averagetown, ohaverage. great, i know this place too well, but not well enough to make it seem too comfortable. i know these buildings, but here’s one i’ve only seen once or twice, i took a field trip or something here once, it seems just vaguely familiar. now i am inside, its uncomfortable in here, the proportions are wrong, the walls are just too white, its a little humid, but not to make you sweat too much. maybe it’s the floor, its odd stains that blend in a little too well with the carpet. or its got to be the paintings, there a little out of focus, or a little off center. what is this place? [then it hits me, the oversized letters show me a fine print that simple says “awkward”.] so this is where i am, an awkward situation. i knew i had been here before, never in this room before. i guess ill just sleep [on this oddly shaped bed, not long enough for my feet even!] and see what happens in the morning. [that moon is too bright, how am i ever going to sleep? or maybe thats my thoughts.] a familiar smell sprinkles under the door crack, its fear. my euphoria is wearing off. its dark in here, what have i done? what is going to happen? [the room reeks now, but the moonlight seems to cut through the stench, i sit up and stare.] i need to sleep. the moon is bright on my mind, easing my thoughts away into a white oblivion, where little white flakes, surround an ever increasing white everything. good night house. good night stars. good night door. good night bed. good night moon.

i do not get angry. [often]. anger is hate. anger is fear. anger is pain, and loneliness, and stress. anger is irrational, uncontrollable, and unpersuaded. anger is the base of all jealousy, and as deadly a sin as murder. anger causes regret, sadness, and even more anger. anger is a blood pool, making humans into unrecognizable animals, willing and capable of destruction and demise.

the one person who can truly make me feel angry in this world, that can make me bask in that crimson pool of hate and arrogance, is my little brother.

his actions, motives, choices, and character can sometimes almost make me sick to my stomach. i was his role model, someone who was supposed to impact him positively and effectively. he is the embodiment of some of the characters that i hate in others. where did i go wrong?

[edit: 6/23/10] i have recently discovered that my lawn mower can bring me to this state. 

well. i had good intentions about this post. i figured readers [if any] probably wouldn’t want to hear about my misfortunes all the time. i havn’t yet hit 2 a.m. mode yet, so why not? well. thats when it hit me. life is fine. i have general well being. a healthy amount of worries and stress’. an unhealthy amount of care. a troubling woman situation. a loving family. an even more loving dog. [bored yet?] a couple of cats. an addiction to coffee. a slight dislike for my job. an average life really. [thats no fun to write about is it?] these aren’t things that make fun posts. well, fun maybe, but not in-depth, not intense. not my style. [dark. dark. dark.] i’ll humor you with the highlights of my life. but i’ve come here to unload. you are the unknowing recipient. wrong doings. sexual exploits. games. insanity. hate. anguish. anger. these will be commoners. but its the dark we need to contrast how good the light is, right? [or is it the other way around?] don’t expect brilliance in every post either. i eat cereal in the morning [like you], work or play during the day [like you] and enjoy the nights lost in sleep or others company [like you][average. average. average.] my posts come two at a time. commonly contradicting themselves in some sort of way. [you hypocrite!]

my life is balanced. [oh so fragile, too]